Unsaid Words and Said Silences

‘Love’ this 4-letter cursed word has been my anchor for life now. Since past 35 years, I have been trying to make sense on why it governs my entire being. A lot of times I am stuck thinking why is it so difficult for humans to receive love. Why are humans always ready to throw it all away when it’s offered in abundance and without asking for anything in return. I feel there is so much dearth of love in relationships that the bare humanness is sometimes hanging by the thread. 

I have found love and lost it twice which was beyond my control. The first one made me believe life was perfect and that now I only must focus on my career and goals to know he has fallen out of love after being with me for 12 years and the second one is quite an exception. He gave me a home in just 4 months and 4 meetings which would sound quite unreal but yeah, he managed to heal years of trauma that made me believe I am not worthy or deserving of love. Surely, he also couldn’t pull through and gave up when I was just reminiscing the time which felt like a dream that disappeared in the morning. Is it that easy to just walk away and give up on me?

Love, in its truest sense, does not simply remain stagnant—it asks to be given freely and without reservation. I resist the idea that I might be the reason love slips away, or that my perspective somehow diminishes its value by refusing to settle for mediocrity. Why should love not be unconditional? Why should anyone be denied its fullness?

A friend once told me, “Rasika, there are so many takers in the world but very few givers, and you are one of them. That is your superpower.” It took me a long time to realize that I am intrinsically wired to give, and that this quality brings me profound joy. Whether with my family, friends, colleagues, or loved ones, the act of giving love fills my life with meaning and light.

Having said that, I also feel drained sometimes as the cup is almost getting emptied and there are days when I feel it is almost over. We refill as givers when our love is received or else it starts messing with our minds and we experience a disbalance in our functioning. I have been very angry in the past few months, and it is appalling to see myself behave or act in a manner that doesn’t resemble the real me. Yes, as a hyper independent woman at a senior position at work, a little behavioral change might be overlooked but it cannot be an excuse of me not being in control of my emotions. Of course, I have changed so much as a person since I have changed cities, and I wish to be humbled by life with the gifts I have received making my heart so full yet the sadness creeps in on days of the month when nothing matters.

There are times when giving feels exhausting, as though my well of love is nearly depleted and I’m left wondering if I have anything more to offer. As givers, we find renewal when our love is received, but when it isn’t, doubts begin to cloud the mind, and a sense of imbalance seeps into daily life. Recently, I’ve felt an unfamiliar anger within myself—behaviors and emotions emerging that don’t reflect the person I know myself to be. While my independence and professional role may allow small changes to go unnoticed, the reality is that I cannot excuse myself from managing my own emotions. Of course, life has changed me; changing cities and navigating new experiences have reshaped who I am. I try to remain humble and grateful for the blessings I’ve received, but the sadness can still find its way in—especially on those days when nothing seems to matter, no matter how full my heart may be.

I have lost a sense of belonging since the age of 15 when dad and mum gave up on their eldest daughter thinking she doesn’t need them anymore and that she can fend for herself. I have never felt the financial dependency on my parents, but I needed them emotionally to check on me on days when life was not pleasant. Years go by and some parts of your journey just don’t heal even when you grow up to be an adult understanding the complexities of life. You then must deal with the bruises and marks and carry them along which sometimes burdens your present or can ruin your future. 

I feel too much, I love too much, and I don’t know what else is too much for people when it seems bare minimum to me. I have heard things like “Rasika the way you love is not how the world functions and respects as love cannot be not choosing yourself over someone” My counter, “Don’t we chose people for ourselves so we can give them all our love so they can live a wholesome life?” Isn’t that what the whole purpose of love is? Why else will a human need another human in this world? Love should be the only emotion binding the two. There should be absolutely no expectations except to love someone truly on their best and worst days, on days they can’t love you back, on days when they get distant and draw boundaries then you wait at the door of the boundary for them to open it for you when they are ready, love them also on days when they can’t communicate what’s wrong and if they are fighting their own demons.

Why is this love not respected? Why is my love being called unreal and considered too good to be true?  I am not going to change my notion of love and make it mediocre wherein I only take a step if he does or let go just because it doesn’t mean anything for him. Love not reciprocated is never a loss, it doesn’t make it meaningless. The day I give up on love is when it will get all cold and dead and with a heart like that I wouldn’t wish to live. It hurts me people who are in relationships are not in love sometimes and the ones who are not are in love. This irony is the reason why humans are doomed, they feel lost and hold back on experiencing love since there is an expectation to bring your 100% to the table and hell not it’s not always required. You take a seat at the table and be honest about what you have to offer and let the other person fill in for the gaps. 

It’s okay to communicate the silences and let the other person be your words to finish the sentences. People have really made my believe love is complicated, difficult and not for everyone but honestly, it’s for the ones who are ready for the seat at the table of life.